WHO WANTS TO KNOW WHAT I'VE BEEN DOING?  OH..nobody. Figures.

I have spent the last 4 months studying my little life away..I think I whined about that on my last post.  Well welll...finals are next week and I will be done studying...until next semester.

School has ruined my social life.  I have a few friends that take it upon themselves to get angry that I read my books instead of hanging out with them.  I gave my opinion on that very quick. Who even says that?  Some prob read this blog...yah..who says that??


I still don't have a boyfriend, but I have found the time to kick ass on the dating website that I just love.  All the guys on there are major gentleman...NOT.OH wait..I think Ive talked about this before.  Yah still getting weiner pics. 

A couple months ago I lost some weight...don't worry it wasnt lost for long...I FOUND IT.

One of my good friends is going through a really bad divorce so I have spending a lot of time trying to get ahold of her.  Kim Kardashian..yall might know her. 

I no longer enjoy facebook because people are too crybaby'ish and make me want to say mean things ..and I dont say mean things so I just try to stay off the whole deal.  I get on there only to stalk people that I need to know things about at the moment. 

And the more I think about that...SHIT I COMPLAIN A LOT.  I need to work on that.  I dont even talk about anything good anymore..my life is getting dull.  I bet this is because I'm becoming a lady.  Nahh Doubt it.


OH and my ex Dr. Fingerbang....got married.  Yah.  I knowwww. 

My goal for the next week is to catch up on everything I have done for the past year.  Ahhhhhhh...try to contain yourselves ;)

So this is what its like.

It was expected. I knew it was going to be like this.. I knew it was gonna get harder. I knew I was going to have to give up more shit. I knew I was going to become anxious and possibly a little moody (not too bad).

I am overwhelmed.

Yup.. I have bit off more than I can chew. (no pun intended to my ability to eat all day)
It is only the end of September and I am already freakishly freaked out about what i am doing. I mess things up, I cant remember anything, I am a hot mess.

I am such a baby for complaining.. sometimes I just want to scream as loud as I can.. And welllll i do. But only when driving on the interstate. Its amazing.. Nobody looks because nobody can hear it. Do it.. It helps.

Anyways.. I have alot going on. And it sucks.. But it is soo worth it and i have learned that things arent going to change.. This is how it is going to be for awhile. I have no choice but to take deep breaths every chance I get and remind myself that..uhhh I got this shit.

Nothing important

I had a post that I wrote from my cellphone. I dont know where it went, but it was good. I dont even remember what it was about, but it was good. Speaking of cellphone, I tried to do the jailbreak thing..should have done that with supervision.

Anyways..summer is almost over. 22 days until school starts. 22 effin days until I start doing that no sleep constant reading and looking at pictures of body parts..some just for fun. Its so amazing how fast school has gone by, even though I am not close to being done. But what I have accomplished has gone by fast.

My intelligence is out of control. I have learned so much about myself over the past few years. Not only do I have looks, but I really do have brains.

I have learned that I am a strong person. Hands down...a very strong person. There have been a lot of tough things happen to me in the past few years and it has made me realize that I can handle anything. Pretty much anything..try me.

now watch me have a nervous breakdown tonight.

I joined a dating website. I have seen more penis pictures since I joined than I have in my entire life. Do I like them? Of course I do. My reply to the guys...OHHH WOW that is soooooo cute!!! They love that response.

My profile specifically says I do not want to cyber..and guys still message with sexual propositions or whatever you call something like that. Asking if they can stick something somewhere and I tell them only if I can stick something in somewhere of theirs.

I'm never gonna find a boyfriend with this attitude.

Changes

If you could change one thing about yourself what would it be? Do you even know? Would you change anything at all? Is there something that you are thinking but if you say it out loud you would take it back because you don't want someone to know?

There are soo many things I want to change about myself..or things that I say I want to change. And when I start thinking about how things would be if things were that way...and I think..uhhh nahh I dont wanna be like that.

Or how about something that you have done? Would you go back and change it? Of course there are things in my life that I would do differently, like my past relationship that I base everything in my life off of. Huge mistake but anywaaays... I know that me and my ex were meant to be together, things happened the way they did because there was stuff we had to do. Like I had to go to school and get an education and find out what I want from life, and he had to get a girl pregnant and should be having the baby soon..my reason makes sense..his ..not soo much. We'll see. I am a firm believer in the quote "everything happens for a reason" I base everything I do on that. If something is happening...theres a damn good reason for it..I may not see it now but I will someday, and I will be thankful. I will.

Another thing..thats really important. I want to speak my mind. I am extremely passive. I rarely have an opinion on anything. Or one that I speak out loud. The more I think about it, I wonder about my beliefs. What do I think? I really don't know. My opinions are based entirely on the moment. It's almost like bipolar-opinionated-cluster-fuck disorder. Well that's what we will call it.


The more I think about these things the more it makes me realize how there are people that want to be like me. Careless. Laid back. Goofy at all times..never serious. I am pretty facking cool. Not gonna lie. K Bye.

I dunno

Meow.

I am the worst person at keeping stuff in order. I can trash a room in 2 minutes with one piece of paper. I will forget what someone tells me while I'm still listening. If it wasnt for my dad my bills would not get paid, not because of the money, I have that. He writes checks and has me sign them. Or makes me sit down at the computer to pay them. I'm like a 2 year old.

I am careless. Not in a disgusting way. I care what I look like and what I do. I am careless in a way that I uhh don't care. I dont care about stuff. Like anything. A discussion in my psych class last night was about me..I dont cry. I havent cried good in 6 years. I know it is the prozac, and it's probably a good thing I am happy and fun.

I know I say it a million times...but maybe I should go off of my meds? I do not know who I am. My personality is drugged. I don't feel things, I dont give a fuck.


I've been thinking a lot lately about getting a boyfriend. I dont have time for one at all. And honestly I don't really want one..and not even to get married and have kids because I really don't think I am mother material. I would be a good mom...but I dont think I want to be a mom. If I get knocked up I am deleting this post so I don't look like an idiot.

Why did I even say that. I could delete it. But no. Then you wouldnt get the full effect of all the thoughts in my brain.

Whatever.

P.S. I work out now and stuff. Not like real working out..but I have sweated.

Oh snap

I am quadruple-olar.

Why have I not been arrested for some sort of anger problem. But I dont get mad at things that are normal. I get mad over stupid stuff. And not even really mad...just lil emotions like where you lock your teeth together and do that squeeze thing until your face turns a cool shade of purple/red and you do a weird shake thing.

And yes...I am still on Prozac.

Just a few things that pissed me off today...

1)The coffee pot at work has an unidentifiable leak in it...and only leaks all over the table on certain days. Doesnt make sense.

2)I work with an elderly man that feels the need to talk to me alot. I love him to death and usually on a good day we hang out all day. Today..he was in my office a few too many times, saying our normal jokes where hes all like I'm gonna spank you if you're bad...and I'm all like you wish you could.


3) My office phone. Rang at least 74 million times today.

4)The DVR at my parents. Best thing ever for them because I dont think they make VHS tapes anymore.
Anyways...to make a short story long.
My niece picks up a lot of awesome slang words from her awesome aunt. ME.
I taught her to say "ohhh snap" when something is the shit.
My dad loves this and he laughs uncontrollably a lot about it.
There is a home makeover remodel salvage junk yard show that he dvr'd and the people on the show said "ohh snap" twice.

So I'm sitting in the living room on my laptop working(facebook)...and I get summoned to the recliner room.

This is just something I gotta see he says.
Oh wait..hold on..how is it you rewind.
OH yah dad what are you showing me.
Just Wait. Listen.
And there it is....freakin hilarious.
Couldnt you just tell me they said "ohh snap" twice in the whole 30 minute show.


I will refrain from whining anymore. Thank you blog for giving me a place to BITCH.

Not in order.

It's already 2011. I am totally looking forward to this year. I am making everything about myself. ( I kinda already do that..pretty much) But I always heae people say that ..."this is the year of ME" Lol whatevers.
But for reals yall..this year I really am gonna focus on myself. I've got some issues that I need to deal with. My brain is the major thing, I am literally nuts. I can't do anything, my ADHD/bipolarcraziness is taking over my life. And I dont mean that in an awwwww you poor thang...I mean it in a damn wtf why do I let this control my life kinda way. I am on meds and I still am a super unorganized, forgetful, airheaded can't finish anything kinda girl. Anyone have any advice to make my adhd go away? Maybe a website or even better an iphone app? (apps control my life) (obviously not well)

And is there any way maybe possibly this is all in my head? Maybe I forget stuff by choice? And I cant think straight because I dont want to? Am I forcing myself to ruin my life and I dont even know it? Is there an app to find out?

OMG I'm watching the Flintstones movie and never realized Orson from desperate housewives is Freds boss. Anyways...school starts in a week and I should probably get my ass in gear ...considering I will be taking 20 hours this semester...and working my full-time job. Does that sound insane...I THINK SO. Maybe I'm just whiney and it really isn't gonna be that hard. I can obviously handle it.
Yabba dabba DOOO.


Oh and another thing, I have started a diet. Like a real one. Not one of those ones where you work out...but just eat 1200 or less calories a day. HARDEST THING EVER. I track my calories on my Iphone cause my iphone controls everything in my life. Where would I be without that thing...I have an alarm to wake me up in the morning, to remind me to grab my purse, to take my medicine, to do stuff at work. yadddy yadda...theres an app for everything. And the diet app that I am using is MyFitnessPal. Love it, it tells me what I'm gonna weigh in a few weeks if I eat like I've been eating. I like that.

P.S. I went to my friends kids birthday party yesterday, aka cake and ice cream. I didnt put that on my tracker cause I'm a big FAT LIAR to my fitness pal. But we are pals, it will be ok.

AND BY THE WAY....This bird and fish thing lately is freaking me out to a point that I cant even research it. AND I literally research everything. WILD.